Insecurities and Judgemental Behaviour

Insecurities and judgement

One of the things I internally struggle with is that default setting I have that is to pass judgement on people. I have to stop myself and reset my thought patterns quite regularly. I have to remind myself that how others dress, behave and say isn’t really any of my business. And the biggest one of all is that I have to remind myself that what others think of me to none of my business!

I remember being told once that "When you point one finger, there are three fingers pointing back to you."

Taking time to reflect back about why a particular trait bothers me so much helps me to reframe the thought in a more positive manner. I try and remember that even if I have a judgemental thought I can reframe it.

Ways in which we pass judgement on others:

Pointing out what bothers us about people. This trait actually only worsens our deep-seated insecurities. Why do we do it? Maybe it’s a reflection of what you’ve struggled with in childhood. It can be that the very thing you judge other people for is a manifestation of an insecurity or a thing that you don’t like about yourself. Maybe you have difficulty taking responsibility for your own actions and have a tendency to project onto others that very thing that you struggle with.

How can you turn this around?

Be aware. Noticing that you are being judgemental and finding fault is key. You can start by pointing out the good in people, noticing even the smallest things can turn your thought process around. The more you invest in recognising good things in others, the more this will translate into noticing good things in yourself.

Did you have an overly critical parent?

Do you remember having a parent who often pointed out everyone else’s problems or faults? If the answer is yes, you may have some resentment toward this person, especially if you have memories of him or her being critical of you. I was raised in a very Catholic household and it seemed like we were constantly being held up to Jesus or the virgin Mary’s standards- a pretty high bar!

How can you turn this around?

Try to remember the positive qualities from that parent. This can be hard to do but it will help lessen the resentment you feel towards them. What is difficult is that there is a high chance you inherited the tendency to judge others. By noticing when and where you find judgement creeping in you can turn the thought around and you will find that you judge others less, and will challenge your own judgments after you arrive at them.

Fault finding may a temporary ego boost and the illusion of superiority in the moment.

Not far from the way gossip works, judging another person gives you a rush and a small lift

to your ego. For some strange reason bringing others down may lift you up. Maybe fault

finding provides us with a subtle lift to our self-esteem but diminishes the value of someone

else’s. Of course there is an easy way and a hard way to gain your own self-confidence.

The hard way is to work for it and to trust in yourself and your ability but we seem to find it

easier to find fault with others, which in some small way makes us feel that we are better

How can you turn this around?

Yes-stop yourself from verbalising your negative opinion even if you have the thought. Try and stop and filter which complaints are necessary and which can be left unsaid. As Bambi’s mum said, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Remember that other peoples’ marital issues, bad habits, dress sense, limitations or weaknesses is really none of your business and may be a sign that you must invest more in committing to your own personal goals.

Joining in or staying silent when others pass judgement.

Too much focus on what’s wrong with others can bring you down- you may get a

momentarily lift when you voice a judgemental thought but it creates negativity in your mind.

When we find fault with others, we tell ourselves that there is not much work to be done

regarding our own shortcomings. It can prevent us from improving ourselves. It is far

easier to agree with others when they find fault in others, (i.e. gossiping) than to speak up,

which is how gossip is repeated, racism, sexism, and bigotry of any kind gets to exist.

Can you turn this around?

It always helps to to practice gratitude. Try and see things to be grateful for –especially in

others. Try and reflect on what it is about that person that makes you see fault. Is this

actually a fault that you have yourself that you want to change? And always, always speak

up when someone is being malicious or being racist or sexist. People often stop these

conversations when they are challenged. And even if they only stop around you- at least

you don’t have to listen to it anymore! Be the change you want to see in the world (Ghandi)

It is healthy and human to sometimes be critical of others. We all have to let off steam at times- just try not to let it be your default setting. And remember that pointing out flaws in someone else does not help to correct the issues or problem that you have with the other person. Neither does it help in improving ourselves. In a world where you can be anything- Be Kind!

There are some great books that you can access to help open discussions with your children about accepting others and not passing judement.


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